f l o w e r c h a i n: 05.2014

I love these guys.

I spoke in church on Mother's Day. It turned out to be really lovely to have the opportunity, and everyone was so kind in complimenting me afterward. I've copied my talk below for my posterity. :)

I became a mom when I was 23. I was young and pretty clueless. Neal and I were living in Houston, in a very small apartment and adjusting to the very hot weather, and he was in his first year of dental school. I had graduated from BYU and had worked for a little bit before we moved to Texas. We were young, far from family, we didn’t have any money, and we had a long road of school ahead of us.

Neal and I both learned from our own dear parents that true fulfillment and joy originate in a family, and we really wanted one of our own. When we were engaged and first married, we would wonder aloud what our kids would be like, if the genetic odds would favor us with redheads, and if they’d wear glasses like him or be freckled like me.

Audrey arrived unexpectedly early and in a rather dramatic fashion, after a difficult and precarious pregnancy. I’ll never forget the first time I saw her perfect little body, her wonderfully round head covered in beautiful auburn hair. I felt like I had won the lottery! She was perfect, she was straight from heaven, and she was ours forever. Our blessings were multiplied as our precious little boys came to us in subsequent years, adding to the fun and our joy.

There have been so many moments in these last dozen years where I have felt an overwhelmingly Godly feeling of love for my family and gratitude that my Heavenly Father has blessed my life with these people. Maybe I’ll have just bathed the kids after a long, busy day and am snuggling in with Miles until he falls asleep, or maybe I’ve just cleaned up all the dinner dishes and head outside to join my family for some work or fun in the yard. Our family is far from perfect, but I believe and hope that all families have moments of perfect joy and love. In instances just like this, I have been blessed with these moments of pure joy and what feels like celestial peace. Time seems to stop, and my mind is stilled by the Spirit, and my Heavenly Father’s love overwhelms me. I am naturally a very sappy and sentimental person, and am easily brought to tears, but I know that at these times, when our family is together and all is right in our little home, the Holy Ghost is bearing witness to me that my Heavenly Father loves me, is aware of me, and will continue to bless me if I keep my family close to each other and close to the spirit. Truly the family is of God.

I have learned so much since becoming a mother. One of the first things I learned is that the only easy part of being a mom is loving my children. I am really good at that part. They are so easy to love! We have had sorrows and joys, fears and surprises, sadness and laughter, but the whole time I have known that my Heavenly Father is by my side. I am raising His spirit children, He is invested in this family, and He loves my children immensely. I am well aware that I still have so much to learn, so many mothering experiences still to wade through, and so I appreciate all of the women in my life and in this ward who are treading the way ahead of me, whose choices I admire and whose homes I strive to emulate. Thank you, sisters!

What is the true nature of both womanhood and motherhood and why does mothering bring women joy? What is it that Heavenly Father wants us to learn from our experience as parents and nurturers? There must be some design for the parents here. Of course, He hopes that we’ll raise our kids to have testimonies and to serve others. He wants a lot of things for them. But what does He want for US? How are we blessed by this service and sacrifice? I’d like to focus on the attribute and action of nurturing a bit, as it is really the essence of parenthood, both for mothers and fathers. What can we learn when we nurture?

Rosemary Thackeray, in the April 2014 Ensign, said,

“As Latter-day Saints, our collective nurturing efforts contribute to the character development and testimony strengthening of those within our circle of influence. Therefore, we should consider speaking more frequently not only of motherhood but also of nurturing and its impact on our lives. We should celebrate nurturing as often and with as much jubilation as we do motherhood.” She goes on to say that “Nurturing can be described as acts that foster a good temporal and spiritual climate in which love and learning can thrive. Seen in this light, being a nurturer is not a role exclusive to mothers. Opportunities to nurture are available to everyone, regardless of age or marital status."

We probably most often think of nurturing as a physical verb, that is to say it is the things we do that make our children temporally comfortable or prepared. Providing hugs and making lunches, tucking kids in bed, leading a scout troop, teaching Nursery, helping our babies learn to walk, teaching a teenager to drive, or even encouraging them to try something difficult or new. But Sister Thackeray is saying that nurturing is more than that. Nurturing includes encouraging spiritual growth and development in children, which is also given to us as a charge in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. What an awesome responsibility that is!

As in all things, I thought it would be helpful to look to Heavenly Father and our ultimate exemplar, Jesus Christ, for examples of nurturing. Unfortunately, we don’t have any examples of Jesus Christ being a literal parent, but oh how our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ parent us and our brothers and sisters in the scriptures in so many ways!

I thought I would start with an early example of nurturing, and my thoughts turned toward the Garden of Eden. Think of the progression of our Heavenly Father’s interactions with Adam and Eve, his first Earthly children. First, God created Adam. Then, out of concern for poor, lonely Adam, and to follow the order of creation which was established, He created Eve. Immediately after creating them, He blessed them. He gave them to each other, then gave them bountiful gifts in the form of animals, plants and flowers to tend.

He says in Moses, Chapter 2:27 And I, God, created man in mine own image, in the image of mine Only Begotten created I him; male and female created I them.

28 And I, God, blessed them, and said unto them: Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth.

The very next thing Heavenly Father does is to instruct Adam and Eve. He taught them about their world and their responsibilities. Then He gave them commandments and, in a sense, let them be, to begin to live their lives. Yet they were as little children, and though they knew what was expected of them, they were not fully prepared for temptation and its consequences. Eventually, of course, they sinned. Immediately, our loving and nurturing God established a way to protect them from permanent death, and provided a Savior for them so they could return.

How do these interactions between Heavenly Father and Adam and Eve show God’s nurturing ways? While reading through these chapters in Moses, and by attending the temple, I feel like we can gain insight into this beautiful parent-child relationship, and take from it truths that can apply to our earthly relationships as mothers and fathers.

Heavenly Father loves Adam and Eve. That much is clear. He created them and foreordained their great spirits to be powerful examples to us, the rest of His children. He wanted them to succeed, he provided ways for them to learn truth and to discern between good and evil. He blessed them with a beautiful earth and a way of making a living. He blessedthem with children and taught them how to worship. He provided a Savior for them to take away the pain of sin and the sting of death. He would come to them when they were troubled and would send messengers to them when they were seeking truth.

He does all these things for us. His parenthood is eternal in its scope, but also temporal in its necessity. Ours is the same way.

What can we do for our children to follow this example?

We can provide for them temporally and physically.

We can be present, both mentally and emotionally.

When they make errors or stray, we can express our love.

When they seem lost, we can bear testimony to them of the things that we know.

When they don’t know where to turn, we can turn them toward God.

We can teach them about our Savior, and how He loved us so much that He gave His life so we would not be lost forever.

We can take them to the temple and share with them the eternal beauty that resides there.

When they are young, we can show them how to find truth.

When they are confused, we can teach them how to listen to the spirit so they can find the good and stay away from the evil.

When they are grown, we can trust them to choose the right.

There are so many lessons to be learned from our Heavenly Father’s parenting strategy!

My sister recently shared with me a truth she learned in Relief Society one day. The class was discussing parenting and how to correct or discipline children and teach them the right way. One of her Relief Society sisters mentioned the pattern of teaching that occurs when someone starts working at the temple. Of course, there are many tasks to be accomplished in the temple, and many volunteers who are relied upon to do things with exactness. This sister said that when you make a mistake in the temple, you are not always just corrected, and definitely not chastised, but you are put into a position where you can see the thing performed correctly. You are shown the correct way time and again until you can do it better.

I loved this concept, and I think it is probably derived from the way the Savior taught his people. Examples from Jesus’ life and the way he nurtured his followers toward discipleship and testimony help me to internalize that there is a better way of parenting than the one I would naturally perform. Think of all of the times the Savior used a parable to teach his people. He had a principle in mind that they needed to learn, and He came up with a way for them to learn it that would make sense to their lives. He came down to their level, in more ways than one. When they didn’t understand and expressed confusion, in effect, He would say, “Then Consider this,” and would tell them another parable.

Never did he throw up his hands at his followers and say, “Why can’t you just get it?!” Never did He walk away muttering under his breath. He did not ever lose patience with them, but nurtured them into learning and loved them until they understood. He showed them what to do by doing it himself. He laid his hands upon their heads, he taught them to pray, he was baptized, he loved others by serving them. What a beautiful example He is in all things, including parenthood!

Sheri Dew said, “While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve ‘the mother of all living’—and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.”

She went on to say, “As mothers in Israel, we are the Lord’s secret weapon. Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning. In the pre-mortal world, when our Father described our role, I wonder if we didn’t stand in wide-eyed wonder that He would bless us with a sacred trust so central to His plan and that He would endow us with gifts so vital to the loving and leading of His children. I wonder if we shouted for joy at least in part because of the ennobling stature He gave us in His kingdom. The world won’t tell you that, but the Spirit will.”

Of course, we all have different experiences here on earth. Some women bear their own children, and others do not. Some have healthy, active kids and some spend their lives serving the needs of their children well into adulthood. Spiritual nurturing can be accomplished by both men and women, regardless of whether or not they are parents.

Russell M. Nelson said to women who are not mothers in this life, in 1987, “Your willingness and worthiness are surely known to Him. The spiritual rewards of motherhood are available to all women. Nurturing the young, comforting the frightened, protecting the vulnerable, teaching and giving encouragement need not—and should not—be limited to our own children.”

What beautiful opportunities do we overlook because we feel like we have enough mothering to do or that our time has either not come or has passed?

Writing this talk and pondering the power that is found in nurturing and motherhood has helped me recommit to enjoying the simple, everyday opportunities to nurture that I still have with my children and the other children around me.

Although mothering can consume massive amounts of physical energy and can exact an everlasting emotional toll on us, we are blessed for our efforts, even the small ones. How often we should remember that the Lord has encouraged us to “be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.” D&C 64:33

I’m going to quote my little sister here. She is wise and is so good at expressing her love for motherhood. She said, “I think that sometimes in this world, women are praised for all of the wrong reasons. They are congratulated when they are contrary, or when they adopt the attributes of men to get their way. They are celebrated for being popular or for seeking notoriety. Women are taught that to be important, they need to be rude or unkind; they need to be ruthless. Their tenderness, or the quiet, nurturing ways of their divine nature are ignored, or thought old-fashioned, when these are the things we should be praising. It is a good reminder for me to try a little harder, to be a little kinder, a little more patient, and to embrace that divine, feminine part of my spirit that the world is trying to swallow up.”

We have been taught that success in our families is possible only if we are built upon the rock of Jesus Christ. This foundation is built by obedience and strengthened by our testimonies and our enduring to the end. Small, daily acts of obedience and devotion are little decisions that we add up to a lifetime of obedience. I believe that we are all doing our best. No one wants to fail as a mother. We all do it a bit differently! No judgment. :)

I know that the Heavenly Father has blessed me with the role of mother. He trusts me with these kids. He wants them to come back just as he wants me to come back. I hope that we can return to him together as an eternal family, and that is what this life is all about. Mothering is difficult, but it is also the source of deep joy and peace. And I am grateful that my Heavenly Father has found me fit to be able to do it.

Saturday morning, Natalie drove us into town to see the sights! It was the very most gorgeous day and we had such a nice time walking the Mall and seeing some museums. A lovely lunch at the National Sculpture Gallery really hit the spot after all of our exertion! :)

These beautiful golden stars at the World War II Memorial were so touching. Each star represents 100 Americans who were either lost or injured during the war.

I loved this quote.

Each pillar represents a state. They were so elegant and quietly beautiful. Later, when we walked by on our way to the museums, there was an Honor Flight arriving. The veterans were being welcomed to their memorial and thanked by name for their service. It was really moving and I'm so glad I had the chance to applaud for them as they made their way down the ramp to see the beautiful place where their friends and their service are memorialized. Maybe I shed a few tears as I watched one man run his hand along the memorial wall with tears in his eyes as he was wheeled by in his chair. A pretty amazing place.

A slightly retouched photo of me and Natalie with President Lincoln. The years have been kind, but there have still been years! :) I love this monument; such a neat gathering place at the end of the Mall.

Pretty vistas everywhere you look!

The weather was so perfect.

The Korean War Memorial is really well done. I loved the very precisely trimmed ring of trees around it. They created the prettiest dappled shade and there were benches aplenty.